This is the first article in a series where we look at the challenges people raised within strict Judeo-Christian communities can face. I imagine that the challenges are similar in other religious communities that also teach that sex is wrong, dirty, and sinful. But I can speak the most clearly through the Christian lens that I was personally brought up in and the experiences I’ve had.
Christopher was sitting on the floor with me having a glass of wine. His eyes sparkled as he told me stories from the Christian camps he went to as a teenager. He had made amazing friends and had many of his “firsts” there… although they never went beyond kissing because he truly believed what he had been taught - that sex must be saved for marriage - and even then, any kind of lustful thoughts were definitely wrong.
Truthfully, I’d never met anyone quite so entrenched in the church’s beliefs. I was fascinated as he would quote the bible in the middle of our discussions. He wasn’t just some “Sunday Christian”. He deeply believed and had integrated everything he had been taught into his day-to-day life.
I scooted a bit closer to him to stroke his face and gaze into his eyes. He was always a little taken aback when I was forward like this. He never knew exactly what to do. But this time, he smiled and kissed me gently. As we pulled a few inches apart, my eyes were sparkling as I nodded my head towards the bed.
As we climbed up onto the bed, I absolutely couldn’t resist him. I got him to lie on his back, held his hands over his head, and then kissed him like crazy. I don’t know what it was about him. Was it his sexual innocence? Was it how careful he was to be respectful of me at all times? Or was it just because he was super sexy and he didn’t even know it? I don’t know why, but he was irresistible to me.
As I straddled him, doing a little happy dance while I unbuttoned his shirt, he looked at me and said, “Wow, you REALLY like sex don’t you?”
It was such a strange thing to say that I stopped what I was doing and lay down beside him on the bed. He turned his body to face me and said, “Did I say something wrong?”
I replied, “Do you think it’s strange to love sex?”
“Well, I guess not. I just haven’t met many women who like sex as much as you do. This is just so different for me.”
I kept staring at him because I wasn’t buying his story. I believed that many women, especially the deeply Christian ones that he may have been with, couldn’t admit to themselves if they enjoyed sexual intimacy. But I felt there was something more. A judgment. This wasn’t just an observation. There was also a criticism in there somewhere.
I continued to unbutton his shirt and slipped my hand inside. I combed my fingers through the hair on his upper chest and then found my way to his sensitive belly. As I enjoyed the sensation of touching that soft, milky skin, I said, “I truly do love sex. I love touching and being touched. I love to kiss. I love to feel your tongue against mine. I love to be aroused, and I love being so turned on that my body is aching for you to be inside of me. What about you? Do you like to be intimate?”
He furrowed his brow and said, “Well, ya. Of course.”
“Really?”
He lay on his back and let out a deep sigh.
“I mean, I’ve always thought about sex, even when I was young. But we weren’t allowed to think about it. I remember being in my dad’s truck when I was a teenager and I saw this really beautiful girl walking down the street. She had a really tight t-shirt on and her hair was blowing in the wind. But I wouldn’t even let myself look at her. I didn’t want my dad to think that I had thoughts like that. I didn’t want to be considered a bad person.”
The air was very quiet. So, I cuddled up to him, and we lay in silence for a little while.
He continued, “Even in my marriage, I wanted to have sex. But I was so conflicted. I had all kinds of thoughts about sex - most of which I would never have shared with my wife. They were just wrong. She would’ve totally freaked out. So, I just focused on working and making money for the family. I tried to be the best dad and Christian husband I could be. But I could never be honest about how much I thought about sex. I wouldn’t have wanted her to not respect me.”
After a while, I asked, “So what do they say is wrong about sex? Why does thinking about it make you a bad person?”
“Well. It’s original sin, right?” Then he paused for a bit. “But that never really made any sense to me because how can the way that we create life be original sin? And why would God make something that is a sin? And why would he make it something that we can’t stop thinking about? It really doesn’t make any sense.”
We let that settle for a bit before I asked, “Can I say something kind of radical?”
“Sure.”
“I don’t really know why the church teaches that sex is original sin. I don’t know why we were taught that to even think about it is a sin - even if we don’t do anything about it. But there are wise people who say that when we are separated from our sexual energy, we are completely disempowered. It is like cutting us off from our primary energy source. They say that our sexual desire is the energy that actually fuels our life. So, it’s interesting to think that making sex evil deeply weakens everyone who believes that. Some say that this is one of the ways the church tries to control its people.”
He turned his head to stare at me for a moment and then lay his head back down.
I cuddled in closer and continued.
“The hard thing is that something strange happens when we try to bury our sexual desires. They aren’t meant to be ignored. They’re natural. They are meant to be expressed. That energy is meant to flow through us, nourish us, and animate our hopes and dreams.
“When we ignore them, those feelings and desires work hard to be expressed in other ways. They come out in anger - aggressive and passive-aggressive. They come out as mood swings, control issues, and even abuse. We can see what has happened in our society because of this oppression. Sex has become crazy. Sexual dysfunction is everywhere. Porn addiction is almost a given for most men growing up right now. It’s crazy.”
“Ya. I see that.”
I pulled a blanket up over us, and we fell asleep for a while.
I woke up to find him lying on his side, his eyes wide open looking at me.
“Oh, hi,” I said with a smile.
“I have to tell you something” he said.
“Okay.”
“I think I really like sex. Like, I think that I really, really like sex.”
He said it with the most serious face and a heavy, yet happy heart.
I smiled and said, “Wanna show me?”
“I sure do.”
There are many layers, obvious and subtle, to the weaving of religion into our sexuality. So, our journey will continue next week…
Thanks for such an insightful post Katrina! It reminds me is something I read on social recently- "It's been fun finding God in places the church told me not to look".