Often, our assumption is that sex cannot be part of a spiritual path. We’ve been taught this by many religions around the world for generations. Unfortunately, when we are taught that our natural impulses are “sinful”, a split is created within each of us, thus initiating an inner war - pitting ourselves against our own nature.
The problem is that, with this constant and endless struggle, our growth as a whole (physical and spiritual) person is stunted. The energy behind our sexual desires is more than just our primal urge to procreate. It is our very life force. This is why, at some point on our spiritual path, we must uproot these old teachings of shame and guilt to allow ourselves to experience the pleasures that we are made for.
Okay. So, let’s say that we do that work. We become sexually free. Does this necessarily mean that we are on a spiritual path? Or is there more?
Worldly vs Spiritual Sex
If we want to know whether our sex lives are part of a spiritual journey, we must ask ourselves, “Why are we engaging in sexual intimacy?” What is our intention? What is our desire? What is our true goal for taking our clothes off?
Dr. Nida Chenagtsang (author of Karmamudra: The Yoga of Bliss) distinguishes between two kinds of sex: samsaric vs nirvanic sex. Samsaric refers to the idea of Samsara: the endless cycles of birth and death - “wandering from one life to another with no particular direction or purpose”. Nirvanic sex refers to the idea of Nirvana: euphoria, ecstatic, blissful, joyful, etc.
How often are we simply having “samsaric” sex? Maybe “It’s just what we do”. It’s late and we can’t sleep. We feel obligated to have sex whether we want to or not. We’re horny and obsessed with having sex. Or maybe we use sex as a tool for power.
You can see how all of these reasons for having sex are part of a cycle, maybe a karmic pattern. We are doing it because we are driven by something deep within us, an unconscious pattern that we don’t know how to break out of.
In some circles, there is the idea that if you are having sex from a “primal” place, then this is part of our natural wiring. However, these sexual experiences are seldom our natural, primal sexual urges. If we were actually tuned in with our primal nature, females would only have sex when they were in heat and males would only desire sex when they were near a female in heat. All desires beyond that are something else… not necessarily good or bad… just something else.)
So, perhaps samsaric sex isn’t part of a spiritual path. It may be part of a karmic path and important to dive into to release the patterns. It might also be great for helping us sleep and releasing stress, but it is is seldom the kind of experience that increases our consciousness or takes any steps on our spiritual journey.
The Goal of Soul Connection
Let’s look at the intentions for intimacy that can truly be on a spiritual path - like the desire to connect with another.
This desire or be close to someone else could simply be a samsaric desire. It could stem from loneliness, a lack of self-worth, or the simple desire to feel a part of the world.
However, we could have a more spiritual intention to connect with another person. We might feel a soul connection with them. Yes, our bodies may desire each other, but there’s more. There’s a desire for merging. There’s a desire to be as intimate with this other person as humanly (or divinely) possible.
This is where we look at tantric intimacy. We are bringing all of who we are to the table - our physical bodies, our minds, our intuition, and our emotional bodies.
We slow down. Our goals are no longer quick orgasm and ejaculation. We, instead, use the energy of our arousal and the pleasure we feel to increase the magnetism between us. As this magnetism rises, we surrender more and more to each other, often resulting in experiences that are beyond words.
As easy as this might be to talk about, it is often quite challenging. It’s easy to say that we want to connect mind, body and soul. But how do we actually do it?
We have to become clear channels. We have to be able to see any baggage that we have from our past and look at it with compassion. We have to have the presence of mind to always be kind to our partner - regardless of how we are feeling. Our partner can never be the punching bag for our frustrations and past pain.
This is where tantric intimacy becomes a spiritual path. We must have a meditative mind because intimacy requires us to go beneath the surface and see what’s going on underneath. As we look at our partner, we realize that they too are simply on a path. They, too, are a divine being having this physical experience.
This allows us to be completely compassionate, and from this compassion, we are able to stay connected even when difficulties arise.
For example, I’ve had very intimate moments with partners when they are struggling with getting an erection. Initially, they are disappointed and embarrassed. But then, we just lie there and talk. We hold each other. We listen within. Nearly every time, his vajra has wisdom to share about our experience. We consider ideas and options, and something new and wonderful happens!
Or perhaps, memories arise that stop our erotic feelings in their tracks. No matter how much we try to push the scene of a previous lover out of our mind, it doesn’t work. So, instead of trying to push through pretending that our mind is in the present, we stop and say, “I have the weirdest memory coming up right now. It’s “so-and-so”. I keep seeing us doing… I can’t get it out of my mind”.
On a spiritual path, we assume that all things are interesting. Everything that comes up is valuable and important for our experience. No judgement. Just joyful exploration - which inevitably leads us somewhere we’ve never been before and couldn’t have even imagined!
Clearing the Body-mind for Higher Practice
In the following quote, Buddhist Master Ju Mipham talks about how through mastering lovemaking, this prepares us for more the subtle practices of Karmamudra.
“Through making thorough use of these many methods which cause desire or arousal, your physical body will become supple and you will be able to experience unparalleled bliss. You will subdue your channels and conquer the winds or loong and will discover the primordial wisdom of bliss. Equipped with these practical, esoteric instructions on Karmamudra, you will be able to release your individual channel-knots. However, if you engage in sexual union without knowing how to do these things, you three humors of loong, treepa, and beken will become unbalanced and this will stir up humoral diseases, so for this reason, make use of the ‘wisdom method of union’ [Karmamudra] after you gave become skilled in the ‘worldly method of union’ [Kamasutra].” Ju Mipam
Glossary for the text:
Winds, or loong: Vital energy flowing through the body
Channels: Nadis, energy channels in the body
Karmamudra: “the ancient Tantric Buddhist practice of engaging inspecial, cultivated forms of sexual arousal and intercourse as a part of spiritual practice.” Karmamudra: The Yoga of Bliss, Dr. Nida Chenagtsang
channel-knots: within the chakras where the channels converge
loong (wind), treepa (phlegm), & beken (bile): three humors of the body
Let’s imagine that lovemaking can actually be an important healing tool for us. Part of the discussion around this quote is that through exploring writings like the Kama Sutra, we are honing our lovemaking skills. We reach into corners that we normally wouldn’t. We learn how to line up our bodies in ways that really let our energy flow.
However, often, when we have the goal of enlightenment, we don’t want to consider “lowly” practices like Kamasutra-type lovemaking. We imagine this to be beneath us and definitely not on a spiritual path. But Master Mipham says “your physical body will become supple and you will be able to experience unparalleled bliss”…
Just imagine, when we hone our lovemaking, we refine the energy channels in our physical body… allowing us to feel more subtle energies… leading us to new experiences and new possibilities!
Exploring the Energies Within
Can you imagine making love in a way that allows you to ride the waves of the energies flowing within you? Imagine it wasn’t about chasing any kind of orgasm, that it was just about experiencing what happens when two divine beings explore the magnetism and energy created when their physical bodies play together.
Transforming the sexual desires into free-flowing energy is a big part of many tantric practices. These energies can be used for healing, having deeper experiences of ourselves, and even for healing each other.
Can you imagine being so free of our samsaric/karmic/unconscious desires that we can explore sexual intimacy in this way?
This is why the sexual exercises in tantric traditions are never the first step. We must meditate first. We must look inside. We must become conscious of what is driving us. We must bring back the parts of us we’ve set aside. We must weave ourselves back into who we truly are - we must come into our wholeness.
Going Forward
This doesn’t mean that we can’t be sexual in the meantime. The key is to weave our journeys together. On the one hand, we have our personal journey to our whole selves. On the other hand, we have our regular life, where we go to work, chat with our friends, and perhaps, have sex once in a while.
The key to this journey is a wonderful balance between lightness and sobriety.
We want to be sober enough to take what comes across our path seriously. We live in a society that would rather medicate away our difficulties than look at them head on. Of course, modern society doesn’t have the framework or tools to heal those issues, so doing anything to avoid feeling the difficult spots has become the norm.
However, we also want to be light enough to keep everything in perspective. If we take everything too seriously, what is possible in lovemaking? I remember making love with someone for the third time, and as we were resting afterwards, he said, “I can’t believe how much we laugh while making love! I didn’t even know you could do that!”
Nothing is that serious - especially lovemaking. This is the joyful joining of two beings! Even if we have no idea what we are doing, this asks us to be even lighter about it. By reverting to a child-like mind, our playing field widens. We are not constrained by our fears and past experiences. Suddenly, we are just two friends on an adventure.
So, is sex part of a spiritual journey? It sure can be. It all depends on our intention and why we are doing it!