Releasing the Virgin Archetype to Allow for the Divine Feminine
From the Ideal of Pure & Empty to Rich, Exotic & Exciting
I was chatting with a friend the other day about his new relationship. He was struggling to let go of her past sexual history. He knew that it was ridiculous to think that she hadn’t been with anyone in the decades before he met her - especially since he loved that she had a high sex drive. However, thinking about her with other men still bothered him, no matter how much he tried to talk himself out of it.
This got me wondering about society’s obsession with women being virgins. Where did this really come from? Why is it only about the women being inexperienced and not the men? Is it just male insecurity? Is it a power play? Is there something spiritually interesting about being a virgin?
This has actually been a fascination for me for a long time. There are many lines of research we can go into about the history of virginity, the idea that a virgin was originally someone who is not betrothed, and therefore is whole and free, why they only sacrificed virgins, etc.
But today, as we explore the true nature of the masculine and feminine with the goal of total merging and union, this is a critical discussion if we are ever to truly understand just how rich, powerful, and interesting the divine feminine is, and therefore how the masculine plays with, interacts with, and eventually experiences the bliss of union.
What is it about being a virgin?
On the surface, we can imagine that perhaps there are insecurities in males that would be relieved by knowing that their partner had never been with another man. This would mean that he wouldn’t be compared to anyone. She couldn’t compare the size of his vajra, his skill with his hands, the way he kisses, or how much pleasure she experienced. If he was the only man she’d been with, if she didn’t enjoy it, she might even think that there was something wrong with her and not criticize him at all.
This could be true, but what’s underneath this?
He may feel possessive. He might not like the idea of another man touching “his” woman. He may even feel some sense of ownership over her, believing that only he should have ever been allowed to touch her in intimate ways.
Unfortunately, considering the patriarchal cultures we have lived in, this idea has certainly been common and still exists. But let’s go deeper.
He might want someone who is “pure”. Oooohhh… I think we’re getting somewhere. This has certainly been taught by many religions - that one must be pure to be worth something (however, this strangely only applies to women). One mustn’t be sullied with sexual thoughts and desires. One must be pure and good… but mostly, the most attractive woman is pure and virginal - perfect for the marriage bed.
Pure and virginal… let’s dive into that.
The Empty Feminine
In my book, Divine Union of the Masculine & Feminine, we look at many of the masculine/feminine dynamics that can ultimately lead to union and bliss. We need to redefine them so that we can get away from the gender stereotypes created within the patriarchal paradigm that we have lived with for millennia.
Some of these stereotypes are the tough, burly, angry masculine man and the sweet, demure, curvy, and loving feminine woman. These may have been the “ideals” that we were taught to live up to for centuries, but they actually have nothing to do with the true masculine and feminine.
Please check out my book Divine Union of the Masculine & Feminine if you would like to understand more about how these dynamics work.
One of the old ideas about the feminine is that it is empty, useless, a distraction, and more importantly, that it needs to be controlled, moulded, and created by the masculine. Please note: these are OLD and dysfunctional ideas about the feminine.
We can see this in our education system, where the children are treated as tabula rasa or blank slates. The system is designed to train them - to break the wild (feminine) out of them. The curriculum is meant to fill them with information - because it’s assumed that they start out empty. Imagine instead that they are acorns with all the magic, wisdom, and programming they need within them in order to become a great oak tree. How different would our education system be if we imagined that they were already rich and diverse souls to be nurtured into their truest selves?
Sometimes, we see this in how we raise our children. We assume that they are also empty and that we desire to imprint ourselves onto them. We see them as extensions of ourselves. We consider their successes and failures to be ours as well. Historically, we just haven’t always seen them for the unique souls that they are.
I mention that the feminine was considered useless and a distraction because our emotions and intuition are both feminine. They reflect our inner truth at any moment. However, when these do not line up with what those in charge want us to be feeling, we are taught that our emotions are a negative thing. They make us soft. They make us crazy and needy.
However, what if we saw our feelings as important and wise feedback mechanisms to help us navigate our lives? What if these are exactly the magical clues that show us our true path? Yet, in the past, they were considered disturbances and only characteristic of the “weaker” sex.
The True Divine Feminine
One of the great shifts in understanding the masculine and feminine is embracing the strong and true feminine.
Within the dynamic of masculine Structure & feminine Chaos, the feminine is the potential of all things that will be born. It is the unbridled wildness within us. It is the mystery and the unknown. It is everything exciting within us (all genders).
Within the dynamic of Pursuer and Pursued, the divine feminine is uncatchable. This is the part of us (and our partner) that we will never completely know. It is through our perpetual pursuit of this magical being that the fires of passion continue in relationships and we remain excited within ourselves as we pursue who we truly are to the depths of our being.
Within the dynamic of Protector & Vulnerable, the feminine holds all of the wisdom we have gained from our past battles, challenges, and healing journeys. It is within our vulnerability that we are able to drop the guards around our hearts allowing us to deeply connect and fully communicate with others.
Within Intuition & Logic, intuition is the base of all of our life choices. It is logic who responds and makes things happen.
Within Inspiration & Manifestation, our inspiration blends with intuition to dive deep into the chaos and mystery of the world to bring us brand new creations that our masculine happily manifests and makes happen in the world.
The true feminine is far from being empty.
Letting Go of the Virgin Archetype
So, let’s go back to the desire for a pure and untouched virgin. It sure seems like it would be an easier ride for the masculine partner.
If we imagine that a virginal woman is tabula rasa (a blank slate), then we can imprint onto her everything we desire in a partner. We can instill our beliefs and our preferences into her. We can make her into our ideal mate and life partner. No fuss, no muss. Everyone is happy, right?
Well, this is what has been believed for a long time in many parts of the world (and still exists in places). But we know that this just isn’t true, and it definitely hasn’t worked out well for anyone.
Women have been oppressed and driven crazy being told that they are just premenstrual or being “hysterical” requiring a hysterectomy because “obviously” their problems were their female organs. (I highly recommend watching the movie “Hysteria” for a hilarious look at this ridiculous notion).
Men have been completely emasculated over the centuries by being taught that their wives must obey them, serve them, and coddle them. The first men may have enjoyed their many wives, concubines, and servitude, but over the centuries, men have simply been left wondering how to deeply feel “like a man”.
(I do apologize for how heteronormative this article has been… but alas, it is our history… and I’m sure the patterns can be found in all relationships to some degree.)
Imagine instead that the powerful masculine’s role was to meet the powerful feminine in all of “her” glory (could be any gender). Imagine the masculine creating structure to allow the feminine’s chaos to expand. Imagine the perpetual pursuit of this unknown and magical creature! Imagine how strong you would be flexing and building around the inspiration and mystery of the feminine - within ourselves and within relationships.
The masculine partner would get stronger, wiser, and more creative by the day.
Divine Feminine in the Bedroom
The famous musician, Jerry Lee Lewis, married a 13-year-old girl named Myra Williams. There’s a story that when they first had sex, he was mortified by how she responded. He assumed that because she moved so sensually, she must have had sex before. How would she know to move like that?
Not that this only applies to child-brides… Many women are uncomfortable allowing themselves to flow and let themselves go during intimacy. What if they look super experienced? Will their partner be intimidated? Will they think less of her because she seems experienced and really enjoying herself?
However, the reality is that the feminine is already everything. She doesn’t have to have had experience in order to feel fully sensual, exotic, and incredible pleasure. It’s a natural and innate aspect of the feminine.
Let’s consider the Tantrik origin story - where we all came from. In the beginning, there was oneness - Shiva/Shakti. In order to create human life, duality was created. Shiva/Shakti separated so that Shakti became all manifest life and Shiva remained pure consciousness.
Shakti is the feminine within all of us. She is the Divine manifest here on Earth. Shakti is everything.
The feminine is not empty. The feminine is everything.
So, how does one make love with this all-encompassing feminine? Like surfers on the ocean, you bring all of yourselves to it and you ride the waves as they appear. You explore all the unknowns. You caress, kiss, and love as your passionate masculine desires.
You make love with an equal.
While exploring the opposite nature of each other, these polarities create incredible magnetism creating a powerful and exciting dance. This dance continues, bringing the magnetism higher and higher until, at some point, you fall into complete union with each other, having no idea whose bodies are whose, unconscious of time passing, flowing together in complete orgasmic bliss.
This is the powerful dance of the masculine and feminine… a long way from the virginal and simple desires of our forefathers.
To learn more about the masculine and feminine, please check out my book “Divine Union of the Masculine & Feminine” available in paperback, ebook, and audiobook (read by Katrina).
Hi Katrina - I really needed to read your words today, most especially ...the reality is that the feminine is already everything. She doesn’t have to have had experience in order to feel fully sensual, exotic, and incredible pleasure. It’s a natural and innate aspect of the feminine.' Tantra has helped me fight back against the cultural conditioning that shaped me as a boy and man and helped me find the truth of what you write...