“Ummm… so, I’ve always had this little fantasy. Here it is… Is that weird?”
“I’ve always wanted to try…”
“I would prefer you touch me this way…”
“I feel weird doing that… I don’t know why.”
Being intimate doesn’t just mean taking our clothes off and sharing our naked bodies with each other. It means sharing our deepest thoughts. It means trusting someone with things that even we are unsure about. It means bearing our soul in total safety and love.
The key is to figure out how to do this in a way that feels safe and loving. Once we can do that, anything is possible. Without it, we can get hurt, feel small, and can feel guilt and shame… and slowly our desire for intimacy just fades away or becomes something that isn’t really us.
So let’s dive into what we need to openly share and grow together.
100% Kindness
Kindness is how we treat someone else regardless of how we are feeling.
What is kindness? Kindness isn’t being happy, in a good mood, or keeping the peace. Kindness is how we treat someone else regardless of how we are feeling. This is the foundation of all of our communication.
This is the first topic in my book Tantric Intimacy because without kindness, nothing else is possible. Kindness is what the ancient Greeks would call agape, or “God’s love”, or to see someone through God’s eyes.
When my daughter was 16 years old, she was working as a cashier. One day, she came home and told me that everyone was being so cranky and mean. Customers were being crazy mean to each other and to the staff. After a few hours, she didn’t know what to do when the idea came to her: “Just look at them with the eyes of someone who deeply loves them like a parent”. This is a wonderful example of agape.
What does this look like in sexual intimacy? Well, when there is agape, we have the opportunity to share scary things. We can share truths that we are afraid that our partner may feel badly about or judge. We might share things that we judge ourselves for.
Kindness is absolutely necessary for any of this to go well.
For example. Let’s say that someone doesn’t like the way their partner is touching them. Maybe it’s too harsh or perhaps too light and it tickles. The first step is that the person sharing must be kind and not attack. Then, the partner must receive it and respond in kindness as well.
Partner A could say, “It actually hurts when you press me there with that pressure.” In kindness, partner B might say, “Oh, I didn’t know that. What would feel good for you?”
You can imagine the different (and unkind) ways that Partners A and B could have communicated: attacking, getting defensive, feeling hurt, etc. But as soon as any of these things happen, all communication will end. If partner B is insulted and their ego is hurt, then they must take the healing journey to understand their ego’s fragility in lovemaking. If Partner A can’t communicate their preference without attacking, then they must take the personal journey to understand their knee-jerk attack default. It has nothing to do with their partner and is a worthy journey to unearth and heal.
This is just one example of the need for kindness, but we will see it as the foundation of all of the examples that follow.
Wanting to Try Something New
Maybe there is a position you’d love to try. Or maybe you’ve never tried oral sex. Or perhaps there’s a sex toy that you’d like to include in the play. These are often difficult things to bring up if we are afraid of being shot down.
Sometimes it’s fun to bring these ideas up outside of the bedroom. Maybe over a glass of wine, you can mention that you’ve always wanted to try something. This is a safe, neutral place where both people can have a discussion and share their thoughts. We can explore the options when there is nothing at stake. Nobody is naked. Nobody is feeling super vulnerable. It’s just a discussion of possibilities.
The first step is for the person who has the desire to not be super attached to their partner agreeing to their idea. Obviously they are hopeful that on hearing their idea, their partner will get a twinkle in their eye and also desire to do this new thing. But there’s always the possibility that they won’t… and that has to be okay.
Maybe the partner has never done anything like that before. Maybe they are intimidated because they won’t know what they are doing. Maybe they did something like that with a previous partner and it didn’t go well. Maybe their religious upbringing says that it’s wrong and that old programming is rearing its ugly head.
All of these things and more are possible reasons for the partner to be wary of this “new thing”. As long as the desiring person acts in kindness - remembering that they love their partner - they will find the words to mention it and discuss it in a way that isn’t intimidating, always remembering that it’s just a discussion.
The next part is for the partner to be open to the new idea. Even before they are consciously aware that maybe religious programming is coming up or that they are intimidated, they must already decide to have an open mind. We must imagine our sexual experience as a constant exploration of an infinite playing field. This requires an open mind at all times or else we may miss out on something that could be really amazing.
If the partner’s initial reaction to the new idea is “No”, that’s okay. Again, the key is kindness. They can say things like, “Hmmm. I’ve never considered something like that before. Why do you think you would like it?” or “Wow. Crazy programming is rising right now inside of me. I am feeling super uncomfortable. My reaction is really interesting. I’m going to have to look into that.” or “Truthfully, I tried it before in a previous relationship and it didn’t go well. Maybe it would be different with you. But that’s why you’re sensing my hesitation.”
The key is to keep the conversation flowing. We all have inhibitions and programming. Most of us have been raised in very sex-negative societies and have a lot of guilt and shame around sex. So, it’s pretty common that we will have some issues come up that are super helpful for both people to have a conversation or two about.
In the end, you may decide to play with this new idea. But it’s also possible that you won’t. We don’t have to want to do everything that’s out there… which leads us to the next topic.
Getting Kinky
Many of us have a kinky side. Lots of people have fetishes. Many people have rape fantasies. Lots of people love to be spanked, flogged, and tied up… and lots more like to do the spanking and tying.
If you grew up in a puritanical society at all, these ideas will have likely been pushed down perhaps for our whole lives. Sometimes we married our high school sweetheart and 30 years later couldn’t imagine doing anything outside of the box.
Yet, kink can be really fun, spice up your sex life, and bring you closer together in so many ways. The key is to find ways to explore this in ways that honour both people’s truth, reality, and desire, because if both people aren’t all in, it doesn’t really work and you just can’t fake being into it. So, what can we do?
Similarly to the previous section, we want to be gentle and kind as the one bringing it up and as the one receiving the idea. There can often be shame and guilt for even having the fantasy and so sharing it with your lover is often a brave act of vulnerability.
So let’s imagine that Partner-A would love to experience being spanked. If they mention this, what could their partner’s responses be? Obviously, if there wasn’t kindness and maturity, Partner-B could respond by shaming or mocking them (which of course is Partner-A’s fear).
Instead, Partner-B might think about it and realize that they share this fantasy and are thrilled that they will get to try it out. From here, a very interesting conversation can ensue. How could we do it? What does Partner-A’s fantasy look like? Over the knee? Standing? Tied up? What would Partner-B like to try?
This, of course, is Partner-A’s deepest hope.
However, Partner-B might not be interested at all. But they can respond in kindness saying, “Hmmm. I’ve never really thought of that. I don’t know if I could do that. I would have a really hard time doing anything like that to you.”
The key is, that from here, more conversation is still possible. Partner B could say, “What is it that you think you’d enjoy about it? Is there a slightly different thing I could do that would still feel good? What if it was with a lighter touch? I might be able to do that.” Maybe they find an adaptation that works and maybe they don’t. Perhaps this is something that Partner-A will explore with a future partner… or if they are together for a long time, they simply accept that this isn’t something their partner would enjoy doing.
Another example is the rape fantasy. Many people have this fantasy - some to be raped and others to do the raping. There is often a lot of shame, guilt, and confusion around this one, so it’s important to treat it with care. The key is to explore the components. What is it about the rape that is titillating? Is it being controlled and being in control? Is it the blind passion of the masculine? Is it the total presence of both people? What is it?
If both people are all in and just want to role-play it out, that’s easy.
However, often one of the partners really isn’t into it at all. If this is true, then you can discuss playing out some of the components. Maybe the one desiring to be raped would just love for their partner to be in charge for an entire night and just get to flow in their passion. Or maybe the one who would like to do the raping would love to plan an evening and ravage their partner with total pleasure.
The joy of discussing this in kindness is that we get to be creative based on the two actual people there. We get to look at this person whom we love and figure out what is within their desires and comfort zone, blend it with our own, and see what new creation happens!
Total Safety
When we can share these deep and potentially scary topics with our lover, we feel a whole new level of safety. This is because discussing these vulnerable topics requires us to be completely mature and conscious.
It is this maturity that makes all of the difference. Unfortunately, many of us live in societies where we grow older, but seldom wiser. Our lives are focused on our jobs, money, and survival. We ignore our emotions and personal traumas and end up retarding our maturity at a very early age. We end up being 40-year-old teenagers. We aren’t aware of our own emotional truths and therefore are not safe to receive the truth of others.
Becoming mature is “the work” that we talk about in spiritual and psychological circles. This is the journey of becoming fully aware of our walls, our guards, our reflex responses, our fears, our hidden anger, our own and generational trauma, and so much more. These are the things, if left unchecked, will cause us to remain childlike… and therefore not safe to share intimate details with.
We will know whether or not our partner is safe to share these kinds of topics with based on the rest of our relationship. Or maybe it’s us who aren’t mature enough to communicate about these sensitive topics. This is important to know because there’s no point going into the dark corners with someone who isn’t safe to go there with.
If this is the case, then perhaps counselling is a good idea to heal what wounds us and keeps us unsafe. If our partner isn’t interested in counselling, changing, or healing, perhaps these exciting and safe discussions will happen with a future partner.
Amazing New Frontiers
When you can be open with each other in these wonderful ways, you must prepare for your love life to explode in all directions because once you open that door of truth, ideas start expanding and expanding upon each other.
Once we try one new thing, the playing field will shift slightly. Then we might explore a fantasy that ends up healing an old wound, which makes us a bit more adventurous. Then, with this new confidence, we share another thought that we’ve never shared before. This stimulates a new conversation that causes our partner to realize something that they’d love to try.
Every lovemaking session becomes new and different. As Heraclitus said, you “never step into the same river twice.”
Often, when you are very turned on during lovemaking, even deeper fantasies reveal themselves. This is when, in the height of passion, you whisper in your partner’s ear a fantasy that you wouldn’t be able to share otherwise. Your partner smiles and either acts out the fantasy with you or shares in the thought of the fantasy with you - which is often more titillating than actually doing it!
This becomes your love life - ever-growing and ever-expanding!
And even better, with every truth revealed, we get to know ourselves a little better. We accept ourselves more. We love ourselves more.
Life just gets better and better and better.
All because of some sexy, intimate, and fun conversation with our lover.
Community Questions:
Do you find this kind of communication easy?
What do you think stands in the way of this kind of honesty?
What makes someone unsafe to share with?