A Surprising Truth About Being a Great Lover
How childlike innocence brings us to ecstatic experiences
Audio Version:
Oh, the way his hands flowed over my body. They moved so effortlessly and gently that I lost track of where they were most of the time. As I sat astride him and we kissed, between what was happening between our lips and what was happening between his fingertips and my skin, it was all I could do to hold on and just flow in the pleasure.
This man was one of the most beautiful lovers I’d ever been with… and he’d had almost no sexual experience at all. He had been married for a time and had a child. But he had nearly no sexual desire at all. I don’t know if he was on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum, but he couldn’t touch himself and therefore had never masturbated. He couldn’t have imagined watching porn or even initiating sex with a woman. The common sex drive just didn’t seem to exist within him.
Yet, he loved having someone in his life, which is why we met on a dating app. I actually had no idea that he was completely inexperienced because when we talked about what we wanted in a relationship, I was very clear that I only desired to be with a man who wanted to be in his masculine. I wanted to explore the masculine/feminine polarity and I was definitely wanting to be in the feminine.
After explaining to him what it meant to be in the masculine - initiating intimacy, giving in the form of touch, planning dates with me, and structure and stillness in the face of my wildness and mystery, he simply processed this and agreed.
From then on, he initiated lovemaking. He touched me like someone enjoying their newest and favourite toy. He learned how to control his ejaculation so that I could explore my wildest ecstasy. It was just incredible. We flew to the most wonderful places together.
Yet, he knew nothing of tantra. He had no tricks or techniques for lovemaking.
But his innocence became a blank slate for him (and me) to play in. No preconceived ideas. No issues from the past. Just two people exploring infinity together.
Accessing the Portal to Infinity
There is pleasure and experience available to each of us that is beyond our comprehension. Our Western mind thinks that we can get there through our intellect. We are taught that we must learn skills to be good at something. And, of course, in lovemaking, this can work if you are seeking an elevated “procreative-sex” type of experience (one where the goal is an ejaculatory-type orgasm in either gender). And it is true that there are many little spots and tricks that you can learn that will drive your partner crazy in pleasure.
However, as humans, we are not limited to these physical experiences of the body. This is where the philosophies of Tantra come in. While Tantra isn’t directly about sex, it does tell us that we are both divine and physical beings. It teaches that we are capable of happiness and joy beyond the confines of this 3-dimensional experience.
To do this - to go beyond the physical experience - we must embrace our Divine Selves. We must access the parts of us that are Eternal and Universal.
How do we do that?
Through the portal of pure innocence.
What is Innocence?
This morning, I was reading a beautiful book called “Tantric & Kashmiri Massage” where they were talking about the joy of this type of non-sexual massage.
“‘Tantra is a relaxation in the present, we are a blank page, we rediscover our senses like a child’, says the Tantric Canadian leader Ma Premo... Some people have not been touched in this way since their first baths, when their mother washed them.” Tantric & Kashmiri Massage, Michèle Larue
It was the line, “some people have not been touched in this way since their first baths” that touched me. I could instantly feel that innocence, that wholeness, and that sense of just being and receiving from another.
I could sense that closeness to God.
It is a time in our life when we are barely out of the womb. Some say that we can still remember God/Infinity/Pure Consciousness for a certain amount of time after being born. Then, we begin to experience duality in life and lose that precious connection to the Divine that we knew intrinsically at that time.
When you think back to your very early years, can you feel this pureness? Can you feel the clear channel within to all that is?
Can you imagine feeling that again? Can you imagine being “pure”? Can you imagine releasing all of the defensive programs, adaptations, and challenges that we’ve picked up throughout our lives?
Purity & God
It’s funny how society has made purity into something undesirable. Being “pure” means boring. It means being a stuffed-shirt. It means never having had any fun. I remember watching the movie Grease and listening to the song “Sandra Dee” where her innocence is mocked by the “cool” girls. Or maybe it was all the cowboy stories of the hero who had been toughened by life. Or stories of the cool and interesting people versus the boring and “pure” folk.
Yet, in every spiritual path, the goal is always spiritual purity. What does this mean? It is living without the conditioning of the 3D world. It is living in oneness with the Universe. It is living without the fears and walls and cynicism of our societies. It is connecting with the divine aspect of ourselves easily… and living there more and more each day.
Why is this purity so important? Because this is what the Divine feels like. This is how we viscerally resonate with the intrinsic energy of the Universe.
This is our direct channel to oneness - and it exists within every one of us regardless of our story up until now.
Being in the Moment
“We often live off-balance, straining towards the future
when at bottom, there is nothing but the present moment,
experienced through the true joy which sparkles inside us.”
Michèle Larue
It’s a huge shift to allow ourselves to live in this moment, right now, no matter what we are doing. It is a paradigm shift in our minds to truly embrace the idea (or fact) that there is no such thing as the future or past - that these are actually figments of our imagination. Can you even imagine living like that?
It is interesting to think of how our mind develops as a child. In the early years, the parts of the brain that control movement, hearing, and speech form. Then, around the ages of 7-9, the frontal cortex (in our forehead) begins to develop, which is what often stands in the way of our innocence.
The frontal cortex is where we are capable of abstract thought. As this develops, we become able to conceptualize ideas of “tomorrow” and “yesterday”. Before this age, if we told a child that they will get what they want “tomorrow”, it actually means nothing to them. They have no idea what we are saying. (Or perhaps they still know that, on a fundamental level, that tomorrow doesn’t actually exist.)
Ideally, this frontal cortex is a place of creation. This is where our imagination blends with the world around us and we conceptualize new things in our world. This is our internal laboratory where we can think and ponder and wonder what could be created in our lives.
However, because the world we have lived in for the past couple millennia can be very harsh and cruel, the ingredients of our imagination are often fears, expectations, and worry about the future. Then, advertising and marketing insert their ideas in there as well, telling us that we have to look a certain way or have certain things in order to be happy or loved. All of these ingredients mixed by our powerful and infinite imaginations can make it incredibly hard to return to the state of innocence before all of that chatter began.
And, of course, all that chatter follows us into the bedroom. It might tell us that we have to do those fancy techniques that we read about in a book or learned in a workshop. It might tell us that no one wants to touch us because of how our body is. It might tell us that we don’t deserve to experience pleasure… and so many other things.
So, how do we regain our innocence?
It’s all fine to say that we need to be innocent, but how do we do it without faking it or lying to ourselves about what’s real?
The key is real, visceral experience. We must start to have childlike experiences. What did you love to do as a child? Personally, I loved to sit in the grass and watch the ants and bugs. I loved to colour. I loved to swim. I loved to read and do crafts.
Sometimes, we think of being a child as being wild and crazy. We see this a lot in workshops where we are asked to access our inner child! Suddenly we are acting out like a 3-year-old hopped up on sugar and running around the room screaming. But is this really what you were like as a child? Is this really what your innocent self loves to do?
Maybe your inner child loved to roll down grassy hills giggling or running down a hill yelling “Ahhhhhhhhhhh” in total glee. Maybe you loved to play with cars or ride your bikes really, really fast.
Whatever your personal truth is, we have a couple of options.
We can actually do the things that we once loved. While doing them, we can sink into the feeling and let that flow through our bodies. Or, we can sit in meditation and visualize ourselves there. We can remember the feeling. We can bring that feeling into our present body. We can breathe that memory into our mind today.
If we had a really horrible childhood, then we must imagine what innocence would have felt like in our bodies. We can trust the visions that arise. Even though they might never have happened, perhaps they happened in a previous life. Or maybe those visions are simply exactly the medicine that we need right now to reconnect with that powerful childlike innocence and purity.
Flowing in Innocence
“The texts on love can only be useful
while desire is still,
but once the potter’s wheel begins to turn, my dears,
throw down even Kama Sutra,
for then there is no law, no rules, no science.”
KAMA SUTRA
What if our human bodies are portals to an infinite universe?
What if we need nothing else in order to experience all that there is out there?
This is the true essence of tantra. There are no teachings necessary. There are no tricks. There are no skills that will take us there faster. It is actually our innocence and our ability to become a blank slate that will open that portal to other dimensions.
I love the above quote from the Kama Sutra because it still allows us to study and learn. We can read, observe, and try to understand things. These are all wonderful to do.
However, once passion is rising (“the potter’s wheel beginning to turn”), we must be able to let all of that go. We must be able to disengage our brains\ and drop into our bodies. Once passion is stirring, “there is no law, no rules, no science”.
We have to trust our bodies. We must believe that if we can relax our minds and connect with the pure self within each of us, that wondrous doors will open.
We must believe that if we can return to that innocent, child-like state, then we can just play together. We can explore. We can go on adventures. We can trust the little voice inside that says, “Let’s try this” and “Oh, I like that, let’s do more of that.”
Then, we can be fickle like a child and shift our focus to something else, and then to something else, and then to another thing without a single thought.
There will just be love, touch, and exploration.
New things will happen. Things you can’t describe. Things you’ve never imagined.
And the way to get there is through our pure hearts. Our innocence.
Our joyful and infinite selves.
💕✨ For more information about tantra & the masculine and feminine in lovemaking, please check out my books, Tantric Intimacy: The Magic of True Connection & The Divine Union of the Masculine & Feminine. ✨💕
Yes, my inner child needs some attention, some play time, some time to be acknowledged, and to just be. 💕✨️🙏🏻✨️💕